Alright girls, grab a drink, gather round, and let’s talk Diva Cups. This is the time to ask every question you ever wanted to ask but were too nervous to ask. Don’t be shy, we’re all friends here.
Here’s Moose. If you start to feel faint, look at Moose.
My friend and blogging idea-bouncer-offer Rachel told me to password protect this post with “vaginal discharge,” because what guy would actually want to type that in? But I figured that was too much effort on my part. After all, this post doesn’t faze me one bit. It’s you I’m worried about.
Fellas, consider this your one and only warning. See the X in the top right corner of your screen? Click it now. Now. …now. If you choose to continue to read, I am not responsible for any vomiting, fainting, or ill feelings about me.
The Diva Cup got a bad rap in this HuffPo article a few weeks back. It was hilarious and got people talking about this weird product, but I disagreed with every word and wanted to write a post singing the praises of the Diva Cup.
It’s like being vegan – you have to tell everyone about it
So here we go. Let me introduce you to the Diva Cup:
What is a Diva Cup? It’s a feminine product. Like a tampon. Or a pad. More like a tampon. But in a cup shape.
Should I use a Diva Cup? Do you have a period? Are you tired of looking like Carrie? Do you want to take a “set it and forget it” approach to the most-hated week of the month? Are you comfortable touching your business? Then yes, you should use a Diva Cup.
You know you can relate
However. If you are squeamish, prudish, or a borderline hypochondriac, then this won’t be your cup of raspberry tea. You have to be cool with seeing your blood. And touching yourself. I think the correlation of Diva Cup users to masturbaters is probably pretty high. But honestly, if you’re a self-love virgin then I think you have some other life choices to work on before trying a Diva Cup.
Will my cup runneth over? Probably, if you don’t do it right. But it will take far longer (up to 12 hours) than it takes for your other feminine products to fail you, so you have ample time to get yourself to a restroom.
How do I use this contraption? I could describe it to you, but I don’t think I’d do it justice. I could tell you to follow the directions on the package, but I did and failed quite a few times. So just watch this video.
And then come back and look at Koda
How gross is it really? Again, if you’re squeamish then this probably isn’t for you. There will be blood. But really, what girl hasn’t committed a crime scene or two in her post-puberty years? Plus, it’s your body doing its anti-baby thang, and you have to give it credit for that.
Can you feel the cup? Just like a tampon, if you insert it wrong then your vag will shout at you. But if done correctly, you totally forget it’s there. Which is wonderful. Like a non-period. Only it doesn’t eliminate the shank-a-bitch PMS emotions.
See? It’s not that scary!
Can you have sex? Technically speaking, since the cup is up by your cervix and leaves your vaginal canal open, you can still eagerly participate in sexual escapades. Can you use a finger? Yes. A penis? Probably not comfortably. Unless you play “Just the Tip.”
Is it worth the cost? $40 for a fucking dixie cup that catches blood? Outrageous, you may say. But if you think about it, at $6 per box of tampons, the Diva Cup will pay for itself quickly.
If you didn’t groan and laugh, you’re dead inside
Will Mother Earth love me more? Yes! So much yes. Think about how much cotton and plastic and junk you’ll dispose of throughout the span of your baby-making years. Whereas a Diva Cup is the gift that keeps on giving—er, getting.
Does it smell? One of the biggest complaints in this Reddit post (which is also hilarious, BTW) was that the cup smells. I have two things to say about this. One, have you ever kept a tampon in too long? Two, why the fuck are you smelling your cup anyway?
Sasha’s a total diva every day of her life
Don’t want to be a Diva? There are quite a few other brands out there that may fit your…shape better.
See now, that wasn’t that bad, was it? The Diva Cup has become mainstream in the backpacking and trail running communities, and now it’s time for all women to know how spectacular it is.
If you’re a male and you’re still reading, congrats. You asked for this.
But here are some cookies for you. You deserve cookies.